The Thinking Dominant

Define your limits. Explain why you can’t or won’t go past that point and try to think about things that were once limits but are not any longer. This list can be a working list that you come back to often to update.

1. How do you express your disappointment with your partner? Has it ever led to anger?
2. How do you deal with your anger?
3. Whether it is directed or a result of something within your relationship or if it is outside forces, how do you release that anger?

I’m a talker. Others are silent introspective. I know still others that have to by physical in either exercise or sex. Everyone has their ways of dealing with anger.

I read an interesting post the other day about the administration of pain and the sadistic dominant’s desire to inflict pain on the submissive. His exact question is: “Does a dominant want to hurt his submissive?” I was going to include my thoughts here for a moment, but I find that I don’t want to influence any one else’s.

In thinking about this question try to join your thoughts with why you are or are not a sadist.

• How does a dominant enhance the sensation of pain a submissive would feel?
• What are your favorite forms of pain to inflict?
• Describe what goes on in your mind during a pain session.

It is almost a universal knowledge that dominants expect their submissives to be honest with them. There is a real push to have complete openness and honesty in a BDSM relationship. There is no doubt that an open mind and heart can help make sure that all people in the relationship are getting what they want and need. Also it is said that submissives need to be forthcoming, which is generally harder because submissives tend to keep things to themselves if they feel it will affect their relationship, cause punishment for bad behavior or may ruin an experience.

I’ve read places that dominants are not held by the same requirement. What do you think? Should dominants also be honest with their partners? Should there be some level of secrecy in the dominant’s role?

Sharing your favorites may seem like childish games, but it could help you focus on what you’d like to offer in a D/s or M/s relationship. Try to answer these as honestly as possible.

Favorite:

• sexual position
• bondage style (metal, rope, leather, etc)
• impact toys
• psychological play activity
• non-sexual play
• manners in a submissive
• physical attributes
• training methods
• sexual orientation
• domestic skills
• special services
• fetishes
• outfits on a submissive
• rules to enforce
• beverage service
• sexual service
• behavior in public

Manners and etiquette are an important part of a submissive’s training. From basic courtesy to rigid formal protocol they all have their place in a submissive’s experience. When it comes to teaching manners, it is the Dominant’s preference on how these manners are to be used.

I like a more structured protocol, from the basic p’s and q’s to a proper apology format. I prefer submissives to use Sir or Madam rather than names as soon as they know this person or that identifies as a Dominant. It’s out of respect for me that they do it, not because they necessarily respect the Dom to which they are addressing.

• What sort of manners do you prefer to see in a submissive?
• If protocol is required, how do you begin training?
• Why do you prefer a certain level of etiquette more than another?
• How do you chastise a lapse in pleasantries?

A New Year’s Resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year’s Day and remain until the set goal has been achieved, although many resolutions go unachieved and are often broken fairly shortly after they are set.

This year, think about some things that you’d like to achieve pertaining to your role in the Lifestyle. Your dominant personae.

• How would you like to see yourself at this time next year?
• What goals would you like to achieve?
• Reflect on where you were at this time last year, what have you learned?
• What can you pass on to a new dominant so that they don’t make the same mistakes?

BDSM Quickies are not about sex. They are about play (which I understand, for some of you IS sex). To discern the two, let’s agree that BDSM does not have to involve sexual penetration. This can be from a quick spanking, to a forced humiliation scene lasting less than 15 mins, or in fact any short scene that enhances your life that takes very little time to do.

• What are your favorite BDSM quickies?
• Do they satisfy you, or just stir your lust for more?
• What role do quickies play in your D/s relationship?
• If you don’t engage in BDSM quickies, why not?

Play Parties 

Do you attend play parties?

What do you enjoy out of them?

What is the most extreme scene you have witnessed? Been involved in?

Have you ever been Dungeon Monitor? What was that like?

Discreet Public Play 

Do you play in public?

What is the most daring thing you or your partner have done in public?

How do you feel about bystanders that may happen upon you?

What is the most daring thing you or a partner have done in public?

Aftercare and Analysis

You’ve full-filled that fantasy of yours. It may have taken days or weeks to put together.  You and your partner have placed it in your book of memories and you can now check it off the list of things to do or dream.

But you aren’t done. Now comes the analysis. Exactly how did you feel about enacting a fantasy?

• Reflect on your initial reactions to the fantasy. Were they as good as you hoped they would be?
• Would you try to do this fantasy again? Is it still a fantasy of yours?
• What would you do the same? What would you do differently?
• If you had to help someone else set up this fantasy, what advice would you give?