The Thinking Dominant

A New Year’s Resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year’s Day and remain until the set goal has been achieved, although many resolutions go unachieved and are often broken fairly shortly after they are set.

This year, think about some things that you’d like to achieve pertaining to your role in the Lifestyle. Your dominant personae.

• How would you like to see yourself at this time next year?
• What goals would you like to achieve?
• Reflect on where you were at this time last year, what have you learned?
• What can you pass on to a new dominant so that they don’t make the same mistakes?

BDSM Quickies are not about sex. They are about play (which I understand, for some of you IS sex). To discern the two, let’s agree that BDSM does not have to involve sexual penetration. This can be from a quick spanking, to a forced humiliation scene lasting less than 15 mins, or in fact any short scene that enhances your life that takes very little time to do.

• What are your favorite BDSM quickies?
• Do they satisfy you, or just stir your lust for more?
• What role do quickies play in your D/s relationship?
• If you don’t engage in BDSM quickies, why not?

Play Parties 

Do you attend play parties?

What do you enjoy out of them?

What is the most extreme scene you have witnessed? Been involved in?

Have you ever been Dungeon Monitor? What was that like?

Discreet Public Play 

Do you play in public?

What is the most daring thing you or your partner have done in public?

How do you feel about bystanders that may happen upon you?

What is the most daring thing you or a partner have done in public?

Aftercare and Analysis

You’ve full-filled that fantasy of yours. It may have taken days or weeks to put together.  You and your partner have placed it in your book of memories and you can now check it off the list of things to do or dream.

But you aren’t done. Now comes the analysis. Exactly how did you feel about enacting a fantasy?

• Reflect on your initial reactions to the fantasy. Were they as good as you hoped they would be?
• Would you try to do this fantasy again? Is it still a fantasy of yours?
• What would you do the same? What would you do differently?
• If you had to help someone else set up this fantasy, what advice would you give?

Dominant. A natural role of humans to take charge and care for others. We are a large group of individuals with many different careers and lifestyle choices.

No where is it defined that BDSM has to be a part of a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. But it’s an integral part of its makeup. Every relationship, whether it’s vanilla or not has a dominant and submissive partner. Sometimes the role is fluid and it shifts from person to person. But in a D/s relationship it is generally well-defined. You can be into kinky play and not have a dominant personality. You could be the type of person that just role-plays a scene of Master-slave.

• How do you see dominance in relation to BDSM?
• If you had to describe your level and character of dominance, what would it be?
• How do you enhance your dominance?
• Do you consider yourself naturally dominant or is this something you had to develop?
• What do you think of the term true dom?

Playing It Out

The next step in exploring your fantasy is enacting it. It can be the most fun and rewarding part of the whole thing. If you have done all the preparation steps then this will be easy for you because your partner is ready and willing (hopefully) and you have everything you need to enjoy your fantasy to the fullest.

So, share how it went!

• What sort of warm up did you do?
• Where there any issues that came up that caused you to redirect the play or stop completely?
• What did you and your partner think of the fantasy acted out?
• Describe the scene.

• Why do I want to own a slave?
• What do I bring to the table? What do I want out of it?
• So, what can I offer property?
• What do I want out of Ownership?

Negotiating the Fantasy 

Once you have a fantasy picked out that you’d like to bring into reality it is time to discuss this with your partner. This should be no different than a planned negotiated scene. Now if you are beyond needing to do that, I still recommend presenting this fantasy scene as something new and needing discussion with your partner.

Discussing or broaching the subject of entertaining your fantasy, even if it’s a light one isn’t going to be easy unless you already know this is something your partner wants too. Plan a quiet moment to share with them the entirety of your fantasy, all that you have done for safety and other preparations and ask them what they think. Be prepared for questions, possible emotions and an outright no.

• What sorts of questions are you prepared for?
• How would you answer these questions?
• Do you think a ‘no’ is expected? How will you respond?

Selecting a Fantasy

Once we have thought about the fantasies that go through our head, get us all excited and stir our deepest emotions it’s time to think about how feasible it is to bring one to life. Can we entertain our fantasies? Most definitely for most of them. Granted we will still have a few that have to stay in the dark recesses of our mind feeding our thoughts.

But what about the few that are quite simply made for acting out? This week try to select one fantasy that you would really like to try and than ask yourself a few questions.

There are a few thoughts here:

• What is your fantasy?
• Can it be done safely; with the person you are with and within their limits?
• Is this something that could leave permanent marks, either physically, mentally or emotionally? How would you handle that?
• Do you need to learn anything or get some practice before you attempt to fulfill your fantasy?

• All of us want to get something out of a scene and most of us want to get something good out of a scene. What happens when things don’t go quite the way you expected? How do you confront and sort through anything from a major catastrophe (serious injury, law enforcement, etc.) to the minor replaying of the scene and how you would have done things differently? What happens when one or the other breaks out of their head space and can’t go on? How do you deal with ensuing crash of the other partner?
• What is the purpose of play/scene for you?  What do you hope to get out to of the experience?
• What is the best advice you ever received, and does it apply to your dominance? What is the best advice you could offer to someone seeking to learn about dominance?