The Thinking Dominant

Playing It Out

The next step in exploring your fantasy is enacting it. It can be the most fun and rewarding part of the whole thing. If you have done all the preparation steps then this will be easy for you because your partner is ready and willing (hopefully) and you have everything you need to enjoy your fantasy to the fullest.

So, share how it went!

• What sort of warm up did you do?
• Where there any issues that came up that caused you to redirect the play or stop completely?
• What did you and your partner think of the fantasy acted out?
• Describe the scene.

• Why do I want to own a slave?
• What do I bring to the table? What do I want out of it?
• So, what can I offer property?
• What do I want out of Ownership?

Negotiating the Fantasy 

Once you have a fantasy picked out that you’d like to bring into reality it is time to discuss this with your partner. This should be no different than a planned negotiated scene. Now if you are beyond needing to do that, I still recommend presenting this fantasy scene as something new and needing discussion with your partner.

Discussing or broaching the subject of entertaining your fantasy, even if it’s a light one isn’t going to be easy unless you already know this is something your partner wants too. Plan a quiet moment to share with them the entirety of your fantasy, all that you have done for safety and other preparations and ask them what they think. Be prepared for questions, possible emotions and an outright no.

• What sorts of questions are you prepared for?
• How would you answer these questions?
• Do you think a ‘no’ is expected? How will you respond?

Selecting a Fantasy

Once we have thought about the fantasies that go through our head, get us all excited and stir our deepest emotions it’s time to think about how feasible it is to bring one to life. Can we entertain our fantasies? Most definitely for most of them. Granted we will still have a few that have to stay in the dark recesses of our mind feeding our thoughts.

But what about the few that are quite simply made for acting out? This week try to select one fantasy that you would really like to try and than ask yourself a few questions.

There are a few thoughts here:

• What is your fantasy?
• Can it be done safely; with the person you are with and within their limits?
• Is this something that could leave permanent marks, either physically, mentally or emotionally? How would you handle that?
• Do you need to learn anything or get some practice before you attempt to fulfill your fantasy?

• All of us want to get something out of a scene and most of us want to get something good out of a scene. What happens when things don’t go quite the way you expected? How do you confront and sort through anything from a major catastrophe (serious injury, law enforcement, etc.) to the minor replaying of the scene and how you would have done things differently? What happens when one or the other breaks out of their head space and can’t go on? How do you deal with ensuing crash of the other partner?
• What is the purpose of play/scene for you?  What do you hope to get out to of the experience?
• What is the best advice you ever received, and does it apply to your dominance? What is the best advice you could offer to someone seeking to learn about dominance?

We all have fantasies. Some of them are feasible and one day we just may get to try them. Others we’ve already entertained and found them to be either worth it or not all it was cracked up to be. This series will delve into exploration of your fantasies and the realities of bringing them into reality.

Think about some fantasies that you have entertained in the past.

• What makes them fantasy? Are they legal? Morally sound? Safe?
• Would you ever think about making this fantasy happen? Do you have the means to do it?
• What preparations would you need to have in place?
• What repercussions or consequences might there be?

Ah, it’s that time of year again… where men run around at the last moment buying roses at jacked up prices and those cliche teddy bears with chocolate hearts. Women swoon and go all crazy over the slightest romantic moment. Now it may seem that I’m a bit against Valentine’s Day; don’t get me wrong, it’s great for those who can’t express themselves the rest of the year. I on the other hand have no problem telling my girl exactly what she means to me whenever I want to.

The D/s lifestyle has a few cards up its sleeve when it comes to romance though. Can you be romantic and still be D/s? How is romance expressed? And even bigger, what about love? Today’s topic is all about that four letter word. Within the confines of the relationship I find it quite necessary to have an emotional connection to my partner. In past relationships I cared deeply for the one I was with. Could it have been love? Possibly, but more likely not.

Each relationship is going to be different, but from experience I can say that romance is definitely possible in a D/s relationship. It can be all the similar things that you hear/see in vanilla society but it can also have D/s connotations. For example, the giving of a collar is not only very D/s but it can be romantic; a setting of commitment for each within the relationship.

Essays on Love, romance and D/s 

D/s vs. Romance in Marriage 

On Love and D/s

Now the thoughts:

• Is love a part of your dynamic? How do you express it?
• Can you be in a M/s or D/s relationship without love? Explain your views.
• How is romance the same/different within the power exchange?
• If you could write a letter telling your partner exactly how you feel, what would be in it?

Mentoring in this lifestyle is a topic of varying opinions; much like everything else. Tops volunteer to mentor bottoms, submissives with other submissives and then you have the people that are self declared mentors that will take on anyone that has the desire.

Albany Power Exchange essay says, “A Mentor is a guide, a teacher, an advisor and is also, in a way, a protector, though that needs explanation. A Mentor can be a trusted friend, a recommended source of basic information and there are some definite guidelines about mentoring that I’ve found most folks don’t understand very well.” With this thought, a mentor can be anyone you trust to not steer you wrong in your choices when you are first starting out.
There are several essays online right now supporting or conflicting with benefits. Take a look at the following articles.

Mentors 

Mentoring in the Lifestyle

Mentors: Good or Bad? 

Now, on with the questions:

• What are your thoughts on mentors?
• Have you been a mentor to someone? What sorts of guidelines did you follow? How did it go?
• Would you recommend your submissive to have a mentor before or while your relationship with them is in its early stages?
• Can mentors corrupt the thoughts of a new person? How can someone protect themselves?
• Is there a difference between a trainer and a mentor? What is that difference?

There are 2 different sects out there; those that believe there is a trueness to themselves and what they do and those that believe that trueness is a state of mind.

Those that believe they are practicing true D/s and BDSM almost always say that what they do is right and if you deviate even a little, then you are doing it wrong. You find it a lot of the time on online groups and mailing lists and occasionally at munches and other gatherings as well. They frown upon different expressions of what you are and how you define yourself, they despair against submissives not being submissive enough and Doms not being treated as they ’should’.

The other side practically fully embrace the idea that whatever it is that you do, as long as you adhere to some form of safety and decorum that it is right and good. Expectations are personal and individual and they rarely ever ‘preach to the choir’ about how their way has to be the only way.

If you can’t tell, I am of the second strain. I feel that you are who you are, you can do as you desire and if there is not rhyme or reason to it, but it makes you happy then what harm is there? The submissive can use proper English when speaking of herself, she can cap her nick if I so desire and there is no deciphering the horrible jargon of ‘T/they feel that Y/you are not doing it right if I/i don’t have slashes every other word’. My submissive may not have to call you Sir if I so desire. She is after all following my command and that is the greatest honor I can ever have.

I do not wish to lord over all that is good and strong in the community. There lyes a grand mantra of safety, a net of protection for those new; if they know where to look and I feel that this lifestyle has a higher respectable core of people. This is not to say that we can’t be fleeced or that there is no danger from the outside or worse yet from the inside. But where is the trueness of oneself if all is defined in a manual of how to do this and that the right and only way?

Thoughts:

• What if any, are the supporting comments on being a true Dom?
• What are the thoughts behind the second type of person? Can you be whatever you design without a trueness?
• Without getting deep into it, are Old Guard lifestyle persons more true than those of modern making?
• Are you being true to yourself first and then regarding the order of things second or the other way around?

The following excerpt and link to article is about doubts that plague dominants at one time or another. I have found it very important to be aware of my doubts and to overcome them; to harness that energy and use it for positive reinforcement that way I do is exactly right.

Experienced tops seem so smooth and in control as they run their scenes. But all of us, at one time or another has experienced doubts about our BDSM practices–doubts that sometimes overwhelm players and force them to drop out of the scene. But the most common doubts are unfounded, based on nothing but the preconceptions society grinds into us against SM play. If you face your doubts with reason, observation, and the willingness to learn and practice, you’ll find that major roadblocks disappear into thin air.

After reading this article think about the doubts that you have had about your Dominant nature either in the past or presently. Use the ones in the article or come up with your own.

Dispelling BDSM Doubts: The Top by Mistress Ariachne

• How do they make you feel?
• What you did to overcome it? If you haven’t overcome yet, what are the internal struggles with the doubt?
• What have these doubts taught you about yourself in your relationship?
• What have you seen as doubts from your submissive? Can you help resolve those for her/him?