The Thinking Dominant

We all have fantasies. Some of them are feasible and one day we just may get to try them. Others we’ve already entertained and found them to be either worth it or not all it was cracked up to be. This series will delve into exploration of your fantasies and the realities of bringing them into reality.

Think about some fantasies that you have entertained in the past.

• What makes them fantasy? Are they legal? Morally sound? Safe?
• Would you ever think about making this fantasy happen? Do you have the means to do it?
• What preparations would you need to have in place?
• What repercussions or consequences might there be?

Ah, it’s that time of year again… where men run around at the last moment buying roses at jacked up prices and those cliche teddy bears with chocolate hearts. Women swoon and go all crazy over the slightest romantic moment. Now it may seem that I’m a bit against Valentine’s Day; don’t get me wrong, it’s great for those who can’t express themselves the rest of the year. I on the other hand have no problem telling my girl exactly what she means to me whenever I want to.

The D/s lifestyle has a few cards up its sleeve when it comes to romance though. Can you be romantic and still be D/s? How is romance expressed? And even bigger, what about love? Today’s topic is all about that four letter word. Within the confines of the relationship I find it quite necessary to have an emotional connection to my partner. In past relationships I cared deeply for the one I was with. Could it have been love? Possibly, but more likely not.

Each relationship is going to be different, but from experience I can say that romance is definitely possible in a D/s relationship. It can be all the similar things that you hear/see in vanilla society but it can also have D/s connotations. For example, the giving of a collar is not only very D/s but it can be romantic; a setting of commitment for each within the relationship.

Essays on Love, romance and D/s 

D/s vs. Romance in Marriage 

On Love and D/s

Now the thoughts:

• Is love a part of your dynamic? How do you express it?
• Can you be in a M/s or D/s relationship without love? Explain your views.
• How is romance the same/different within the power exchange?
• If you could write a letter telling your partner exactly how you feel, what would be in it?

Mentoring in this lifestyle is a topic of varying opinions; much like everything else. Tops volunteer to mentor bottoms, submissives with other submissives and then you have the people that are self declared mentors that will take on anyone that has the desire.

Albany Power Exchange essay says, “A Mentor is a guide, a teacher, an advisor and is also, in a way, a protector, though that needs explanation. A Mentor can be a trusted friend, a recommended source of basic information and there are some definite guidelines about mentoring that I’ve found most folks don’t understand very well.” With this thought, a mentor can be anyone you trust to not steer you wrong in your choices when you are first starting out.
There are several essays online right now supporting or conflicting with benefits. Take a look at the following articles.

Mentors 

Mentoring in the Lifestyle

Mentors: Good or Bad? 

Now, on with the questions:

• What are your thoughts on mentors?
• Have you been a mentor to someone? What sorts of guidelines did you follow? How did it go?
• Would you recommend your submissive to have a mentor before or while your relationship with them is in its early stages?
• Can mentors corrupt the thoughts of a new person? How can someone protect themselves?
• Is there a difference between a trainer and a mentor? What is that difference?

There are 2 different sects out there; those that believe there is a trueness to themselves and what they do and those that believe that trueness is a state of mind.

Those that believe they are practicing true D/s and BDSM almost always say that what they do is right and if you deviate even a little, then you are doing it wrong. You find it a lot of the time on online groups and mailing lists and occasionally at munches and other gatherings as well. They frown upon different expressions of what you are and how you define yourself, they despair against submissives not being submissive enough and Doms not being treated as they ’should’.

The other side practically fully embrace the idea that whatever it is that you do, as long as you adhere to some form of safety and decorum that it is right and good. Expectations are personal and individual and they rarely ever ‘preach to the choir’ about how their way has to be the only way.

If you can’t tell, I am of the second strain. I feel that you are who you are, you can do as you desire and if there is not rhyme or reason to it, but it makes you happy then what harm is there? The submissive can use proper English when speaking of herself, she can cap her nick if I so desire and there is no deciphering the horrible jargon of ‘T/they feel that Y/you are not doing it right if I/i don’t have slashes every other word’. My submissive may not have to call you Sir if I so desire. She is after all following my command and that is the greatest honor I can ever have.

I do not wish to lord over all that is good and strong in the community. There lyes a grand mantra of safety, a net of protection for those new; if they know where to look and I feel that this lifestyle has a higher respectable core of people. This is not to say that we can’t be fleeced or that there is no danger from the outside or worse yet from the inside. But where is the trueness of oneself if all is defined in a manual of how to do this and that the right and only way?

Thoughts:

• What if any, are the supporting comments on being a true Dom?
• What are the thoughts behind the second type of person? Can you be whatever you design without a trueness?
• Without getting deep into it, are Old Guard lifestyle persons more true than those of modern making?
• Are you being true to yourself first and then regarding the order of things second or the other way around?

The following excerpt and link to article is about doubts that plague dominants at one time or another. I have found it very important to be aware of my doubts and to overcome them; to harness that energy and use it for positive reinforcement that way I do is exactly right.

Experienced tops seem so smooth and in control as they run their scenes. But all of us, at one time or another has experienced doubts about our BDSM practices–doubts that sometimes overwhelm players and force them to drop out of the scene. But the most common doubts are unfounded, based on nothing but the preconceptions society grinds into us against SM play. If you face your doubts with reason, observation, and the willingness to learn and practice, you’ll find that major roadblocks disappear into thin air.

After reading this article think about the doubts that you have had about your Dominant nature either in the past or presently. Use the ones in the article or come up with your own.

Dispelling BDSM Doubts: The Top by Mistress Ariachne

• How do they make you feel?
• What you did to overcome it? If you haven’t overcome yet, what are the internal struggles with the doubt?
• What have these doubts taught you about yourself in your relationship?
• What have you seen as doubts from your submissive? Can you help resolve those for her/him?

When I hear community and relate it to WIITWD, what comes to mind is a mish mash of people, groups and events that try to cater to everyone’s desires, fetishes and needs while staying silent about them. You can go to a munch where ever you are and find someone that doesn’t feel in the right place. It could be yourself.

The BDSM Community is different wherever you go. I have seen first hand the casual munches, the light protocol dinner, and once a very strict lunch. I found the casual munches most comfortable. There was no pressure to even talk BDSM and while I love an inviting conversation on the value of certain knots, it was good to know that we didn’t have to.

I think lately the BDSM Community is getting a bad name for itself. I’ve watched the groups and chat room, lists and forums as they go on about bad groups, bad experiences and loathsome leaders. I strongly feel that a community is comprised of its people and of those people, every single one has a responsibility to see that the group live up to whatever it is they want it to be. Now, don’t get me wrong, some of the most interesting people I’ve met were the ones hiding in the shadows, away from the others. These are the jewels. They don’t feel welcome, or are uncomfortable. They sometimes are just there to assure themselves that they aren’t freaks.

Ah, but the freaks are quite intelligent indeed!

The topic here is should you join community and if you do what do you get out of it? I’m not against community, but I do feel that one community may not be right for some where it may bring others to thrive. Some people yet do so much better alone and draw their strength from learning from themselves. I am more a people person. The more people I can glean information off of the better I become. I love watching and receiving knowledge from others and can marvel at how much I just don’t know.

Simply, you get out of community what you put into it. If you sit away from others and don’t converse, you will feel ousted and shied from. If you sit in the middle of it all, talking and learning when you can (even if it happens to be last night’s game scores) you will feel welcomed.

And now the questions:

• Do you consider yourself part of a community?
• Would you recommend others joining a community or munch group?
• What is a bad experience you had or witnessed at an event/group?
• What is a good experience?

This is going to be a relatively basic thought process this time. I have a few essays I’ve found on the topic of finding and keeping a partner. Most of which have good advice in them, others appear to be common sense. Take the time to read however many of these essays that you wish, taking note of the important bits and then formulate the answers to these questions.

Attracting and Keeping a Partner by BlueDeacon

Choosing a Master/Mistress by TorqueDom

Dating in the Lifestyle by luna[KM]

Dominant/submissive Relationships by Sergeant Major

D/s vs. Vanilla Relationships by SoulThief

Questions:

• What information did you find most important to you?
• Did they miss anything that you feel is necessary to point out?
• Do you agree strongly with one person or another?
• When you think of your partner, or your ‘finding’ tactics, what have you learned?

It’s what you have defined yourself. A dominant personality, a dominant role, a dominant. Wikipedia defines a dominant as:

In human sexual behavior, a dominant is one who enjoys performing any of a variety of BDSM practices upon a submissive; or one who holds a dominant position within a relationship based upon dominance and submission (DS). This enjoyment can spring from a simple desire for dominance or an enjoyment of the interplay of wills involved in such a scenario. A male dominant is often called a dom; a female, a domme or dominatrix.

Each and every individual finds their place as unique and specific to their needs. When you think about who you are you can define attitudes, behaviors, characteristics that you see as dominant for you. Others may not agree. The fact remains that you have specified this place as yours. You are dominant.

We have all seen the pledges, the creeds, the inspiring bits of electronic babble about a successful dominant, a good dominant or a Master’s law. Most of them can be dismissed as mush that submissives gobble up in their desire to seek out their perfect Master. I have yet to find a decent essay that is worth placing here as a good definition of a dominant that isn’t partial to niceties, fanciful dreaming or submissive ideals. (If you know where one is or have one, I’d love to see it.)

There are also discussions about types of dominants being better than others or more compatible to different submissive types. The good guys, the cruel sadists, the sensualists, the daddies, just to name a few. Compatibility is a blending of two separate souls; is it impossible to wager that one d-type may be compatible with a completely different s-type?
The thoughts today are thus:

• How do you define ‘dominant’?
• What characteristics do you see in yourself that tell you that your definition fits you?
• What type of dominant are you?
• How do you assert your dominance within your relationship?
• Is your dominance natural or have you had to develop it over time?